A funeral or memorial ceremony is the most meaningful for me to conduct, and the wishes of the bereaved family dictate what form the ceremony will take.
Death is the transition that has the most impact on those left behind, and the ceremony reflects that. I emphasise that the person who has died has moved from their physical presence among their family and friends to the place they will now hold in the hearts and memories of those who love them. I always use love in the present tense, because I believe that love transcends death, and we continue to love those who have died as long as we live.
There are no legal requirements around this ceremony, but in Ireland, there is a strong and respected tradition around death and how a ‘wake’ should be held. We are famous around the world for how well we do this, and the humanist ceremony incorporates that.
A funeral ceremony acknowledges the sadness and grief associated with the loss of a loved one. It also celebrates the life lived, the character of the deceased, and the contribution and legacy that will endure.
Stories are told by relatives and friends, and these evoke tears and laughter. There are usually songs and/or poems, and photographs or other mementoes of the deceased can be on show. The music will reflect the preferences of the deceased and can and does vary enormously.
Venues for the ceremony are usually the family home or the funeral parlour. They can also be in hotels, GAA clubs, community centres, or the crematorium. If the memorial ceremony is being held sometime after the death has occurred, the venue can be anywhere the family wishes.
If a burial is being held after the ceremony, I may also go to the graveside to say a few words. I give an example here to give some idea of what I might say, but I emphasize that I am always guided by the family’s wishes.
Now we are at the location which will be Mary’s final resting place.
May we together perform this one final duty of love.
In a while, we will give Mary’s body back to the earth, and this we will do with great dignity and respect and with all the love and affection which she so richly deserves, and I would like to pay my respects with a poem by Mary Frye.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there.
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
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